The Problem With Self-Help Books

I have probably read at least 50 self-help books in the last couple of years and have at least a dozen more on my bookshelf. Something about reading a person’s a-ha moments and success stories is inspiring and makes me think I can be a better communicator, a better parent, a better listener, a better employee, a better coach, a better thinker, a better human being. But time and time again, as soon as I finish one book, I pick up another, and then order 5 more. This was the pattern, and I began to wonder what it was that left me wanting more each time. The ideas I implemented wouldn’t stick. The process, even if I followed it to a “T” never turns out quite like I expected. What was wrong with me?

Then I realized the problem wasn’t me after all, but in the books themselves.

Lack of personalization

Most self-help books are written from a single perspective, the author’s, and often times, they’re more about “here’s what I did to succeed so if you do those same things, you will also succeed.” It’s not as simple as that. There is no such thing as one size fits all when it comes to self-help books. Other people’s lived experiences, even under the same or similar circumstances, are going to be different from each other. You and I may have grown up in the same neighborhood, gone to the same school, had the same group of friends and influences, and still, our lived experiences would be different. The way we see the world is different. There is family history to consider, implicit biases, anxiety, mental health, lack of time, lack of resources.

Over-generalization

Let’s face it, humans are complex creatures with complex issues. There’s only so much background information you can provide inside of a 200 page book so often times, details are left out. Examples are written in such a way that it reads as if problems are solved with a snap of a finger when in reality, there was lot of trial and error, consulting, meetings, sleepless nights, conference calls, even tears. Not to mention all the learned experiences from previous projects or failures.

Negative Effects

When I read the synopsis of a book, I have so much hope that “this is the one” only to be disappointed when my outcome doesn’t match the author’s. In fact, when that happens, it reinforces the negative self-perception that I’m not good enough. I didn’t work hard enough. I didn’t understand the assignment. I’m a failure. From there, I know I’m spiraling into a comparison trap between me and everyone else who has read the book and had great results. “What did they do differently?” “What did I do wrong?” “Ugh, what is wrong with me?”

False Expectations

Self-help books often promote “quick fixes” when in fact, financial success, self-improvement, mental health, parenting are all a journey, a process that is on-going, sometimes taking months or even years to improve or master. You wouldn’t necessarily know that or truly be able to appreciate the time and effort put into learning to invest or becoming a better parent by reading a book. Do you really think that 2 weeks after implementing XYZ strategy, that all your problems would be solved?

Lack of follow-up

Probably the biggest issue of all is that self-help books do not provide on-going support or follow-up for those who need additional guidance or encounter challenges. There’s no accountability, no person to ask clarifying questions, no one to check in on your progress. This is likely why people often hire coaches and personal trainers. Coaches and trainers can hold us accountable. They can provide additional guidance when we get stuck or need some extra pep talk. They can validate us when we’re not quite sure of the direction we’re headed.

So why do I keep stocking my shelves with self-help books? If I can take away one or two pieces of advice and a couple of inspirational quotes, I consider it a win for me. The best we can do when we read any type of self-help book is to pick one or two tools from each book and “try them on” without fear of failure and with the permission that if it doesn’t work out, it’s okay to stop and try something else. In fact, expecting to fail and trying anyway can give you that boost of confidence to persevere and keep going. The majority of people fail first, and even multiple times before finding success. And the only way to truly fail is if you stop trying — or in this case, stop reading.